I have been writing a trio for piano, violin, and cello for the past two quarters. (I’m slow.) I finally got through my development and now I am fully prepared to end the first movement. The initial thought of this brought me glee and joy. When I got down to it though, I realized that I was focused so much on the beginning and development, that when I got to the ending, my eyes were suddenly caught staring into the headlights. blink blink. Now, I have become a space cadet (even when writing this blog entry), I sit and totally space out. I start to think of ideas, play around with the form of my piece, and then…….. it……….. just……………….gets………………….blurry. Spaced out.

Hope it ends soon. It’s been three weeks. (oh god.) Yesterday, I was at the point where I would write three endings, have people come over, and then we can all vote on which one was the best. I envisioned an auction, and the highest bid on whichever ending would win. …… oh shit, just spaced out again.

Ok, well, I’ll think about it some more when I go to the dentist and work today. Just need to slap myself out of it. Well, more like punch myself out of it.

Yesterday, I had an interesting discussion with a student composer (not from CSUH). I was kinda venting my frustration with some peoples egos and attitude. He then got into the topic that it’s all related to confidence. Whether it be false or true confidence, I knew that it was pretty true. So then I thought, why can’t people still be critical over his/her work and of others while still being respectful and (I hate to use this word) nice? Is it that they are really complete assholes, or that they are just socially retarded? He laughed at me.

“Nancy, you can’t expect everyone to be nice to you. You can’t expect people to not be socially retarded. Sometimes, being ‘nice’ might be portrayed as being weak.”

“I’m not expecting everyone to be nice to me. I’m not in Strawberry Shortcake land here. It just seems a little lame to connect confidence with being an asshole. You know, there is a way to be confident and diplomatic…. without being socially retarded as well. Don’t you think it’s a cop out?” I said.

“Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But showing any signs of your lack of confidence will appear to others as you being weak or lazy,” he replied.

(I had to chuckle here while I reminisced on how I used to work at my parents deli at the cash register when I was nine.)

“Well, I agree to some extent to your comment. It just seems so surface level for people to think that way. I guess.”

“Maybe you are weak and lack confidence?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

We laughed.

On Friday night, I attended the Musica Delle Donne concert at CSUH. The program consisted of women composers who are either alumni or students of CSUH. The piano piece I wrote last year was programmed, so I was eager to hear IG play it again. Of course, since it is the first piece I wrote as a comp. major, I have harsh criticisms towards it. Nevertheless, I enjoy hearing music written by the students of CSUH. Unfortunately, the audience was very sparse since it was the weekend before finals. Half of the people in the audience were not affiliated with the Music Department. There’s this Asian dude that comes to almost every recital the music department has. No one seems to know who he is or where he comes from. He looks like he’s in his early 30’s, and he sits at the same spot every time. He also kicks off his white sneakers and watches the recital with his sneakers next to his feet. Who is he?

There was a funny moment for me after the concert during the reception. A woman came up to me and commented that she enjoyed my piece. We talked for a little bit, and then she said, “Your piece sounded like it had a lot of passion and intensity. It doesn’t sound like a woman wrote it. Sounded like a man wrote it.” I politely smiled and just replied, “oh, okay,” because I had no freakin’ clue as to how I was supposed respond. It was just a bit ironic that she said something like that at a concert series that is dedicated to women composers. A friend of mine suggested that I should have replied, “Oh yes, well, I used to be a man.”

Today, I conducted the wind ensemble for our last exam in conducting. A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can feel my spine crack as I slowly straighten it out. Oh bliss…. I cannot wait for next quarter. I can concentrate on writing now! I am taking Piano Ensemble as well so that I can get back into playing again. I was a bit nervous today when I conducted. The hands shook a little. (jazz hands!) But it wasn’t as bad as it usually is. I think it is mostly due to the codeine in the cough syrup that I am taking. Maybe being sick was actually a blessing in disguise then?

Phew, what a quarter. I will be drinking a lot next Friday. A lot.

For part time work, I have been working for my friend Carolina at Blue Wild Indigo. This has been so much fun for me because it feeds my tendencies of being a hermit. I can work, not talk to customers, not talk to students, use my hands, and think. Carolina has taught me so much, that I started creating some of my own creations. I made these for my sister’s co-worker so that he can give them to his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, I am still sick as a bug. I do not have a fever anymore, but still very tired and have a cough that hurts my head. I have to prepare for conducting on Tuesday and Wednesday, so I’ll be getting my ass out of bed today. B is hoping that I don’t get pneumonia again like last year. I highly doubt it, but will be more careful this time. That means, I will try and do as much as I can to prepare for this class and have it bite me in the ass this week.

I came down with a fever while I was in class on Tuesday night. I made it through class though, which was stupid of me because I should have gone home. I should have gone home to get some freakin’ rest, but instead, I wanted to stay through class. Anyway, B rented ‘The Departed’ on Sunday night and we finally got to watch it last night since I am sick. If you haven’t seen the movie and do not want to know what happens at the end, then don’t read this. It was a very long movie. There are some very good actors in it. It took place in Boston. Everyone tried to have a Boston accent. Makeup was pretty good. I was fucking bored out of my fucking mind. This movie won Best Picture? Aya! They could have told the whole thing in 45 minutes! It dragged on and on and on and on. There were some elements that could have made it more interesting, but it just didn’t happen. Instead, it was all about shooting people (which we’ve seen on TV/movies a billion and one times), and well, that was it. I was waiting for over two hours for something I wasn’t expecting to happen, happen. And the ending……. oh paaallllleeeeaaaasssse! It’s like a Shakespearean plot where he doesn’t know what to do with the characters at the end, so he just kills them all. So lame. Basically, it was like, “I don’t know what to do with the characters at the end. Hmm… I know! I’ll kill all the main characters and that will add shock value because no one will expect that!”

I am so sick of movies that are just plain violent so they can try and shock you. Guess what? Not shocked anymore. If this movie was smart, then the violence wouldn’t have bothered me. It only bothers me when it’s a cop-out. My favorite character though, was Marky-Mark. He didn’t have to say or be in the movie much to accomplish what took everyone else two and a half hours to do.

Maybe I’m just cranky because I have a damn fever. Or, maybe I was just not into movies this past year.

We have been analyzing Schumann’s song cycle, Dichterliebe, in the analysis class that I’m in on Tuesday nights. Talk about peeling the layers of the onion…..(ref. Schubert’s Onion post.) I have grown to hate conducting class even more, but have grown to love analysis class that much more. Say what you will about Schumann, but I grew up playing his music. Started out with Kinderscenen, and I loved them. He went away for a while during the time I had to study Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven, but then came back to him with his Fantasie op.17, and started to attempt (before I changed my focus), Carnaval and Papillons. I am studying his Song 12 from Dichterliebe, and it is interesting to study a song that seems unassuming when you hear it at first, and then when you peel the layers, something that sounded simple becomes complex and thoughtful. Although it has almost blown my head off (particularly in mm.8-10), every time I find a new piece to the puzzle, I get all giddy. It’s ridiculous, I know….. it’s very nerdy, I know.

Schumann went a little mad at the end though. How close does madness and genius relate to one another? I am surprised that there hasn’t been one of those composer movies (ie. Amadeus, Immortal Beloved, Impromptu), made about him. Who wouldn’t want to hear about some guy who went to law school, dropped out to become a composer, a great pianist who ruined his hands with some crazy device he invented, fought to win his wife (who at the time was only 15 years old), and a great composer who eventually went insane and had to be institutionalized. Not to mention, that his wife and his best friend had a crush on each other………….speculating, of course.

A big cheers and a Bloomin’ Onion for Schumann.